2007 Goodbye and Good Riddance

2007 wasn't what one would call a "banner year" for me. Sure I managed to quit smoking. I got a new job as well. And that is about it for the good stuff. It was a pretty lame ass year for me. In fact, I am so looking forward to 2008 I can't even tell you.

For me, 2007 will forever more be known as "The Year of the Chub". I am starting the biggest loser exersice program on January 1. What? I really,really mean it this time. As opposed to all the other times this year that I said "this is it!". I can feel the determination in my bones, not to mention my newly aquired back fat. What the fuck is up with back fat anyway? I just don't like it. At all! So here's to 2008 - Where backfat will become a thing of the past and I will discover that I have a six pack (and I don't mean of beer, either).

So wish me luck. Okay, honestly, wish my family copious amounts of patience and understanding while I make their daily life a living hell.

2008 - Just can't wait. (That's for the cheese factor)

Winter Driving Sucks Ass

I have a bit of an issue with winter driving. The main thing is, I just don't like it. Never have. I get myself in such a tizzy when I see one little snowflake fall and I know I have to drive somewhere. Yes I know that it's not that hard and experience only make you better, yada yada, yada. This will be my 21st winter driving and I still don't like it. I may have reluctant experience but I am so far from confident it is a joke.

I think my fear started when I was 16, first year with my licence. I had to drive my Dad's truck to Tisdale from Star City. It was blowing pretty good that day and when I came to the Doghide River (I think that was the name of it - it has been so many years though now - the old memory just ain't what it used to be). There used to be a cement bridge that was arched. Anyhoo, the snow had made a large drift at the beginning of the bridge and when I hit it (probably going 100 km/hr because that is what the sign told me to go, dammit!) I totally lost control and went from one side of the bridge to the other (without hitting it, mind you) and then slamming into the ditch right into someone's front yard. I put a big dent in my Dad's truck door and I was so shaken. I managed to drive the rest of the way to Tisdale with tears blurring my vision as I imagined what kind of damage my Dad would do to my ass. Thankfully he was understanding and didn't give me hell, but he did make me drive home that night - get on the horse that bucked you off and all of that. This was the only winter accident I have ever had so I'm pretty sure that this is where my fear comes from. A fear of vehicles that can actually do things you don't want them to do in the winter.

Today I was supposed to go to Terrace to a course for work. I would have had to drive by myself in a little company car. The road to Terrace has, for a large part, the Skeena River on one side of you and a rocky mountain cliff on the other. Good fucking times. I checked the road report (freezing rain with compact snow with slippery sections) and the weather report for the next 24 hours (snow, snow, snow). I had to fess up to my supervisor at work today about my "little problem" because I wanted to throw up every time I thought about having to make the drive.

Now, everyone at work knows just what a moron I am truly am. It was only a matter of time, my friends, only a matter of time. You can only suppress what a freak you are for so long before it has to come busting out.

Oh Christmas Tree (Why are you so ugly?)

Last year after I set up the Christmas Tree I swore I was going to buy a new before I ever had to put it up again. As you can see, "Old Ugly" is still around. Partly I guess because I'm lazy, partly because I have better things to spend $200 just before Christmas and partly because next year we might be in a different house and I want to make sure I get the right size for the next house. When we packed up the house to make it more clutter free we also accidentally took the box with the ornaments to the old farm house as well. So not only is my tree ugly, it is also fairly naked.

I set up the tree on Sunday. It wasn't a good day. I made The Boy go under the crawl space to get the tree because he's short and small and while I am short, small I am not. I was afraid I would get stuck and have to live in the crawl space. If that happened I wouldn't be able to go to work anymore and my family would have to bring me food and water and entertain me all the time so I wouldn't get bored.....say? what was I thinking? That sounds like a damned fine plan. Well I guess there is always next year.
I made a trip into town to buy lights, becuase I remembered that the two sets I had last year didn't quite match, and I'm a very matchy kind of girl. While I was there I bought a couple of packages of gold coloured garland and some gold coloured balls, see? matchy, matchy! Anyway, I get everything home and plug the lights in. What do you know! I accidentally bought the kind that flash at whatever sequence you desire. Groovy. Me and Girlie were enjoying the Redneck Light show, when POOF! The damed think blew up. Fuck me! Now the tree has different shades of "clear" lights and only gold balls, bows and garland. Oh! don't forget the gold angel on top. PLUS! It is a short tree. A short, gold, light challenged, ugly tree. Sigh.

Towels

I have this "thing" with towels. More specifically, how the towels are folded. They need to be folded in half, and in half again and then in threes. I don't know why this concept is so hard for some people (namely Mike) to grasp. Actually I'm pretty sure that Mike folds them wrong on purpose just so he can get out of doing that job. Whatever. The point I'm trying to make is that it is imperative that the towels in my house are folded the correct way or I start to go a leetle bit crazy. I get all jumpy and twitichy if I know that there are towels in the cupboard that are not folded right. Call me kooky, call me insane, call me Shirley. I really don't care. This is just one (okay, of many) quirks I have.

Today, Girlie learned the fine art of towel folding - and she mastered it. Cue the "Hallelujah Chorus"! She is obviously my flesh and blood. Someone other than myself can now fold the towels. Oh Happy Day! I think I'll go watch her for a little while. Sigh. My heart spilleth over.

October is Over??? What the Hell?

I can hardly grasp the concept that tomorrow will be November already. Just where did the month of October go? I know it was here, I have the monthly bills to prove it, but damned if I can remember much of it. There were of course a few choice moments that stand out. The fact that Mike DID eventually make his way home. That really made me happy. I had just about had it with dealing with all the shit that comes with him being gone. After he got home we were REALLY (and I do mean really) busy getting the house ready to list. What? Didn' t I tell you? We be a movin. To an old farm house (more on THAT later) for a bit and then, hopefully, to town. And by town, I mean Smithers. We (which usually means "I") scrubbed and polished this house until it shone. I now have to wear sunglasses when I'm at home. It's that clean. I even took a toothbrush (maybe it was Mike's and maybe it wasn't - I'll never tell) to the window sills to clean the tracks. We also took loads and loads of stuff ( and by stuff, I mean a lot of junk we don't know what to do with) to the farm house so our house would have that spacious feeling that the Realtors are always pushing. And while it is clean and clutterless, it is also a daily job just to keep it that way. I.AM.EXHAUSTED!!! I am taking a week off work in November. I was going to use it to spruce up the farm house, but frankly I think I'll just spend the whole damned week in the bathtub with an excellent book and a beer or two.

Tonight is Hallowe'en and I am thinking about my Grandpa Elmer. Today is his birthday. He would have been 87. Wow. He died 15 years ago in November. I can't believe he has been gone that long. My kids never got to meet him, and that makes me sad. He was a BIG drinker and he liked to pinch the ladies boobs - but we loved him anyway. Every year my Grandpa and Grandma would have a great big party. People would drop in and out all evening and well into the night. Grandma would make a turkey with all the fixin's as well as her famous popcorn balls, while Grandpa would hold court down in the rumpus room that usually held a couple of tables full of 10-off rummy or guts players. I loved Hallowe'en. It was a family holiday through and through. Now? Hallowe'en has lost it's shine. I sit here on the computer while Mike watches TV in another part of the house and my own kids are trick or treating with their friends in town. I get irritated when I have to run up the stairs to give out treats to a bunch of kids who can't even take the time to say thank you. But probably I am just irritated because I sit here alone during a holiday that used to mean so much. Sometimes reminiscing can really make you sad.

Disappointment Squared

Tonight I am kind of sad. Mike was supposed to come home from his hunting camp (where he has been for the past 6 weeks) on Monday. The float plane couldn't pick them up because of the bad weather. Tuesday they tried again - no luck. Wednesday they at least got the hunters out but there wasn't enough room for Mike and the guides and the float plane couldn't make another trip because of the goddamn weather. You suck, weather! (imagine me shaking my fist to the ceiling). Hopefully he will get out tomorrow because if he doesn't I might just have to cry a little bit and I don't like crying - it makes me look really ugly.

The hunters that came out were the ones that were delayed going in for four days prior to the hunt. They really got on my last nerve. I'll call them The Two Shitheads, Rat Bastard and Give Me A Fucking Break! They all missed their flights yesterday so I had to drive out to the airport to have everyone's flights rebooked. One of the Two Shitheads wife kept calling me and complaining about them not getting home. Like calling me everyday and leaving me 4000 emails and wanting to know if they will get reimbursed, etc. I don't have the patience for The Two Shitheads or their wives. Sheesh. They got back to town and then had me and our expediter running all over town for coolers and duct tape and bubble rap and hamburgers. Sigh. Now on the other hand The Two Shitheads were a piece of cake compared to Rat Bastard and Give Me A Fucking Break. I also rebooked their flights, but they didn't want to fly out tonight (whinier than a two year old), so they expected me to rearrange their flights for them, I gave them Air Canada's number and to them to Fuck Off. Not really, but I wanted to. They are scheduled to leave tomorrow morning. In a secret sick kind of way, I sort of wouldn't mind it if their flight gets fog delayed tomorrow just so I could smugly say "Should have listened to me sucka!" Really though I think I will just be glad that they are leaving town. Hell, even better - leaving the country.

Mike better get out tomorrow because the lake where the float plane has to land is going to start freezing up pretty damn soon and they are getting low on food. They have already run out of firewood. Which is not as dire as it sounds as they are in the middle of a forest, but the have been having to chop down trees to keep warm. Their cooking propane is also starting to get low - not that Mr. Great White North couldn't cook over a wood stove but propane is so much easier. I guess I should look at it as it has already been six weeks, what is another couple of days, but I'm so disappointed.

I miss him. Sniff, sniff.

Pressure Cooker

Watch out! She's gonna blow! At least that is what it feels like. I always used to love September. My parent's were farmers and September always meant excitement, hurry up and go and family dinners in the field sitting on the tailgate of the pick-up truck. I loved the whole shebang. It just didn't get any better for me. When I moved to BC I missed it so much and then when Mom and Dad sold the farm in the mid 90's I was devastated. I knew that the chances of experiencing another harvest would be slim to none. Now I know what Mom and Dad went through during that seemingly harmless month of fall - STRESS and alot of it! Not that I am a farmer or doing any kind of harvesting but since Mike is a guide outfitter and our whole livelihood depends one ONE month of the year, I can understand that probably harvest wasn't as much fun for them as it was for me.

Not only am I working full time (at a job that is sucking the ever-living joy out of me) but I am expediting for Mike. This basically means alot of running around in circles and shaking my fist at the heavens, shouting "Why? Why do you hate me?" There is just so much to worry about. Do I have the itineraries for all the clients? Who is picking them up at the airport? What if their hotel lost their reservation? Did I pick up the correct groceries (like 2 carts at a time) and get them boxed up and delivered in time? How are the clients getting to the floatplane base? What happens if their luggage gets lost? What do I do with the meat when they come out of the bush? Oh, so you shot a moose and want to take it home with you...but you don't have a cooler or any way to transport it? Lovely - let me take it home for you where I will attempt to hoist 200 pounds of meat into my freezer and then pack it all up in MY cooler so you can take some fucking meat home. Did I mention that I have to pack this heavy cooler UP some stairs and out to the truck and then HOIST it up to the tailgate - lovely sight, let me assure you. When do I need to pick up the licences government agent's? When am I going to be able to clean my house? When do I feed my children? Do I have enough liquor to get me through? All very important questions.

I've done this for five years now. I should be an old hand. Sadly, I think I get a little more panicked every year - I start hyperventilating in July just thinking about it. AND to top it all off - we are putting the house up for sale when Mike gets out of the bush. I'm seriously going to pop a vein. We are moving to an OLD farm house out in the country. I am excited about it, but the amount of work that goes into selling a house is getting me itchy. I am looking at our house with new eyes. Why don't we have laminate floor? I don't really like the stuff, but EVERYONE has laminate floor and nobody will buy our house without the godforsaken stuff. I have convinced myself of this. How about that goddamn burn on the ugly green arborite counter top (that I cleverly disguise with a butcher block cutting board). What about the hole in our bedroom door (that looks suspiciously fist shaped, but Mike - who originally bought this house with his ex wife - insists that a bed frame punched it while they were moving - whatever), what about the ugly mural in the laundry room that a previous owner painted (who in the H, E, double L paints a landscape in their god damned laundry room?). How about the fact that the whole house needs a repaint and I can so fit that into my schedule this month, never mind my budget - just so new owners can come in and REpaint it again! Never mind that the outside of the house needs washing and the yard needs some serious attention. I haven't even entertained the thought of packing up some o' my junk to make the place seem more spacious.

AND, to top it all off - I seem to be losing my hair. Fuck me. A round patch, at the front of my forehead (which may turn into a fivehead soon). There are now words. and I'm still flipping fat. Oh, yeah. Shellie and I are starting weight watchers today. Whoot! Can you feel my excitement?

On the up side, I haven't started smoking again. Which is a miracle in itself because I am so fucking close - I can't even tell you.

Fourteen Candles

This is such an old picture of The Boy. He obviously does not like his picture taken very much. This is the only picture I could find of him by himself. I can't believe he turned 14 today. My God! I remember 14 - vividly. YIKES.

My boy is on a fishing trip with his step-grandpa right now. I really hate not having him here to celebrate his birthday with. I am sure he is having a blast catching all of those 20 pound trout and he is doing exactly what he would want to be doing on his birthday.

I am very proud of they boy he was and the teenager he is becoming. Some days I can even glimpse the man he will become. He is an old soul with alot of compassion. He is growing up so very fast into a dependable and solid young man. I can only hope that his remaining teenage years are kind to him and that he can look back on that time with affection and joy. He is very bright and quite sensitive. I know there will be broken hearts and unrealized dreams along his path and I hope they don't wear down his spirit.

He holds a special place in my heart. He was the baby that made me a mother and he is the child that I get to experience all of the "firsts" with (as well as make all my mistakes on). I hope the coming year will bring him everything he hoped for. I love you booger!

Happy 12th Birthday My Girl

Girlie turned twelve today. I can't quit explain the way this makes me feel.

The first feeling that comes to mind is old. She's my baby, and she is twelve. I will don't ever plan on having more kids so I really cherish all the milestones that she hits. The first twelve years went so very fast, I know now that the next 6 will speed by equally as fast and before I know it she will be on her own. I am really trying to take everything in and commit it all to memory. She is at such a fun age right now.

The second feeling is pride. She is good girl. She is kind and considerate. She is respectful of her parents and (I hope) her teachers, too. She is helpful when I ask her to do something for me. She is eager to please but definitely has a stubborn streak (don't know WHERE she gets that from!). She likes her room messy and her food without onions. She is witty and fun to be around. She gets my jokes and can crack me up on a regular basis. She is quirky and gjggly. I love being her Mom.

Too bad that she had to spend the one day of the year that is her's to have to get braces on. I'm sure she will thank me for this VERY expensive present when she turns 18 or so. Happy Birthday my girl! I love you.

Fat Free

I went to the doctor a while back because I had been experiencing some pain under my right rib cage that radiated into my back and upper right shoulder. I went for an ultrasound and although I don't have gallstones, my gall bladder is inflamed. So! She put me on a fat free diet for two weeks. She kept asking me "Are you sure you can eat absolutely no fat whatsoever, and I mean no fat for 2 weeks"? I reassured her over and over again that "Of course I could!" Whaaaa. What the hell did I sign up for?

Do you know how hard it is to eat absolutely no fat? I've been living on rice cakes, veggies, fruit and very lean meats. You would think I would be dropping the weight, wouldn't you? Sad to say not much more than a couple of pounds.

Because, beer is also fat free.

Yo!

So it's been a little while. Sorry about that. I've been a bit busy. Eating and drinking beer and gaining a wee bit more weight. You know how some people write blogs to chronicle their weight loss? I've always been the kind of person to go against the flow. I wish people would start writing about gaining the flab, and then I will all be like "fuck that!, I'm not the same as all of them losers! I'm gonna lose weight and write about that instead!" Or something like that. So as you can tell, the South Beach sucked the big one. Apparently you have to follow it precisely...whatever. I have a bit of a problem when people tell me what to do. Just one more quirk that makes me so damned loveable.

I.Bought.A.New.Car. Yeah Baby! I am in LOVE! 2007 Jeep Compass in Inferno Red. It sounds so sexy! I keep trying to justify the purchase by the fact that I hated my old piece of shit so intensely needed to buy it before I went psycho on its ass and took a baseball bat to it. Funny story. When I traded it in (for a whopping 500 bones) the salesman got in and shut the door and pulled the door handle right off (so I really couldn't complain about the $500)

Here she is... TA DA! (Isn't she cute?)

My parents and my sister and her fiance came for a visit for the July long weekend. It was so nice having them here. We golfed a bit, toured around and ate alot. We got to show off the views and the wildlife. On Saturday, Shellie, Chris, Mike and I went quading with Mike's step-sister and her husband. It was SOOO much fun. We just bought the quad a couple of weeks ago and I have found my new favourite thing to do...ride in the bitch seat on the back of the quad and take in all the sights and not have to pay too much attention. And we got to drink beer - it was a good day.

Getting ready to ride again after a beer stop

The dam at Fulton Lake

So the weekend was fun and I miss them all now. When they left on the Monday, Mom and Dad took Girlie and The Boy with them to Kelowna for most of July. I was pretty sad to see them all go! It is a tad too quiet round these parts now! The kids, however, are having a blast using the pool at Grandma and Grandpa's (and getting a little spoiled too, I'm sure!)

Mike and I went camping to Babine Lake with some friends on the weekend and even slept in a tent!

Wouldn't you know it, we woke up to pouring rain on Sunday? Packing up a wet tent is not my idea of a good time. So I let Mike do it. We had alot of fun anyway.

Mike cooking over the fire

Frick and Frack our crazy friends

Later in the afternoon we took the new Argo for a ride around Mike's Dad's farm. He is getting it helicoptered in to his camp this weekend so we didn't have much time to play with it but it sure was fun while we could enjoy it. It goes over EVERYTHING! Even logs and swamps. Too much fun.

I have a couple of more weeks to work before we head to Kelowna and Calgary to pick up the kids and take a WHOLE week off of work. I cannot wait! Thanks for checking in and promise to update a bit more often than I have been.

Lard Ass in a Can

So the diet is going good. I can feel the difference already and it has only been one week. I have made it halfway through the weekend without caving in and calling on my little buddy Molson so that's a good thing. However, it IS hot here today and I AM going to a bonfire tonight. We'll see. I am not known for my willpower that is for sure. I am getting pretty sick of eggs and lettuce, but I am fairly certain I can make it one more week without any kind of carbs at all. Next Monday morning I am sooo gonna have me some oatmeal though! For all of my American friends, that there picture is of the best beer. Evah!

Hitting the Beach

I've come to the sad realization that my sister's wedding is in less than 3 months and if I don't do something about my huge ass now, it will be too late and I'll be wearing my bridesmaid dress like a sausage casing. I've decided to give the South Beach Diet one more try. Hell, I've only been on it about 10 other times. What's one more? It did work pretty well for me the first time. The other 9? Not so much. I never made past the weekend before I cheated and then just gave up completely. You can't drink any beer on this diet. That is my downfall. How can you golf without the beer? How can you camp without the beer? How can you do laundry without the beer? I love the beer, and well I have a huge ass to prove it.

So! No beer, no potatoes, no bread, no crackers, no rice, no sugar, no fruit. I'll be eating a TON of eggs and meat and cheese and almonds and butter and loads of veggies. Sounds easy, you may think. Trust me, it's HELL! Anyway I'm now on the clock and I will let you all know how I fared in two week time. I'm even making Mike take the scale away so I will have a nice surprise when I step on it again. Well, I BETTER have a nice surprise when I step on it again, that's all I can say.

Hell in a Handbasket

What did I say about loving natural disasters? I take it back. If I would have thought even for one moment that my golfing days would be over for the foreseeable future, I surely wouldn't have been as excited as I was. Just look at this...

How in the hell am I supposed to go out with my friends to laugh and swear and drink beer now? I just isn't fair. Look at this shit,

fuck sakes!

Not only is the golf course flooded, there is water everywhere that there should not be water. Except my basement. Of which I am eternally grateful (Thank you lord Jesus!)

Our little town even made the "National News", and trust me, that's the BIG TIME!! Here are a few more flood pictures (not that they mean much if you have nothing to compare them to, but humour me)

This is the bridge at Telkwa

This is the Chicken Creek bridge at Dohler Flats. Chicken Creek, I shit you not. I told you I live in the sticks!

On the bright side maybe I'll lose some weight if I can't drink so much beer with my friends while I am golfing. Oh, who am I kidding, sitting around and speculatin' about the disaster we are experiencing is excuse enough for drinking some beer.

My Sister is a Saddist

It sounded like such a great idea last night. Shellie and I were chatting on the phone, I was complaining (its ceaseless, really) about the size of my ass and how I can't even stand myself anymore. So Shell has this great idea. We need to start a running program. Well to clarify, I need to start, she just needs to pick it back up. I was like - Yeah man! I can so do that. Ha. She even got my kids in on it to police me and to report back to her if I didn't do it. As soon as I walked in the door after work today, Girlie was all "get out there and start running!" Little punk. She can go live with her mean Auntie me thinks. So run I did. Well walk-walk-run-walk-run-walk-walk - you get the picture. I.Was.Dying. My head just about popped off. I started seeing stars. Also, imagine my embarrassment as I'm running down Coalmine Road with my huge ass swaying behind me and meeting hordes of people coming home from work. Hey Shell? Or should I say "Be-yatch", I better wake up 5 pounds lighter tomorrow, that's all I can say!

There are just no words....

Picture if you will...6:30 Tuedsay evening. My kitchen. Me in soap suds up to my elbows. Girlie working a dish towel like nobody's business. Song comes on the radio - me and Girlie look at each other. Hand are quickly dried. Mother and dauther are suddenly dancing around the kitchen slapping our asses and singing along to "My Humps".

I have sunk so low....

The River is a Rising

The river that runs through my town is getting’ mighty high! We are on flood watch because we had 150% above the normal snowfall and most of it still has to come down them there mountains. Because I have never seen it quite so high, at least not in recent memory I thought I would take a walk around town and take a few pictures.



It is kind of hard to see in the light, but trust me, the water is flowing very, very fast.

There is all kinds of debris (mostly trees) floating down the river as well. I was able to capture this huge tree flowing very fast by me.



Again it is hard to tell, but it is at least 20 feet long.

And just to be nice, I’ll put in a shot of the park by the river. It is so pretty there.


I don’t know what it is about natural disasters, but I find it all very exciting. What the hell is wrong with me? Don't answer that.

I've Had a Bit of a Shitty Day...

It all started at 6:30 this am when I went to turn the water on in the shower and NOTHING came out. fuck. So off I go to work with hair that is getting greasier by the second. I was starting to look like the Fonz (but without the thumbs up). Who needs hair gel? Just live in Telkwa and you are good to go! Then! just because God was smiling on me today, it just happened to be Welfare Wednesday! Joy! I don't even know how to explain my day at work except that the first time I looked up at the clock it was 12:00 and the next time it was time to go home. It was CRAZY busy. Now, let me be the first government worker to say that I have NEVER had a job so demanding as this one. The next time I hear someone dis the government workers for not doing anything, oooh, I'm gonna punch em in the freaking throat! Oh! and to top it all off? I get one of our homeless dudes asking me if I have any Indian in me. I say not a bit, and he says "Want some". PUKE!!! Okay, day is done, off I go home. I'm driving across one of our three stop lights and I look over and see this crazy lady walking against the light? How RETARDED! Rush hour in Smithers, come one! You are looking to get yourself killed! All joking aside, I looked back up and WHAM! right into the back of a Dodge Neon. fuck me. First accident in 19 years. The high point of the day was I didn't get a ticket, and I didn't lose any points off of my good driving record. Scratch that, there was no high point. The cops came and gave me my ticket the next day! Arrgh! The lowest point was when I realized that this little fender bender probably totalled my 1992 Chevy Blazer (piece of shit) because it is not worth more than , oh say, $500 fucking dollars! fuck! I hope you all feel really sorry for me!

Road Trip!

I had to drive to Terrace on Monday for work. The drive takes about 2 hours (if you drive the speed limit - which I did because I was driving my work vehicle AND I was getting paid for it - so the longer the better, I say!). When I drove down (or is it over?) it was raining and sleeting the whole way. What the hell? Sleet you say? In May? That's fucked up. Yes indeed my friend, it sure is. Not only was the weather crappy but the radio reception was so bad sometime I couldn't even get CBC. I have to tell you how much I truly hate CBC. I only have to hear it for like, one second and I can tell I am listening to that utter shit. Seriously - what is up with the announcer's and the way they ALL talk alike, almost in slow motion or maybe they are all just stoned on some good weed - whatever. I.Hate.It! So! for my drive home today, I stopped in at the Wal-Mart (I love you Wal-Mart!) and decided I needed to buy some CD's to listen to for the drive home.

So here I am looking through all the Chart Hits and nothing is really screaming at me to buy it, so I go over to the next aisle and I catch a glimpse of...oh, my god! Could it be? Hallelujah! Alabama's Greatest Hits. What? I seriously think Alabama is the greatest band of all time (well right up there with Nazareth, Def Leopard and Bon Jovi in any case).

It was like porn for my ears! I sang all the way home. Good thing I was alone, that is all I can say. Mike would agree. But, beware Mike, next time you drive me home after I have had a few beers and feel the urgent need to sing, I swear you will agree that my rendition of "Song of the South" should be showcased on Canadian Idol - and not the "Worst Of" episode, either. I rocked the house Baby! If you know me and know how I am totally tone deaf you probably find this a little humorous.

"Song, song of the South, sweet potato pie and shut my mouth" Is that not some of the best lyrics you have ever heard? I don't exactly know what they mean by it, but DAMN! it sure is fun to sing. It will now be stuck in your head ALL day. Your welcome!

20 Pounds - Holy Freaking Shit!!!

A few posts back I noted that I had gained 10 pounds after quitting smoking. Well as of today, I have officially gained twenty.freaking.pounds. What.The.Fuck?!? I haven't stepped on the scale for awhile, so imagine my stunned surprise. I should have known, it's not like my pants are getting tighter on me as a joke that they thought would be funny. Nope, no joke. My ass is large. Really, really large. In fact today I kept thinking someone was following me, but nope - just my large ass.

Well the buck stops here! I will NOT gain anymore weight. Not only will I not gain, but I will lose. LOSE! I TELL YOU!!! I'll let you know how it's going with "My Incredible Shrinking Ass" chronicles. I know you just can't wait to hear about my ass size, so stay tuned!